“Can we reschedule?” It's a polite question, so why can it make your stomach drop? I share the reply I would once have sent, the four-sentence reply I send now, and how to keep the hardest messages kind and clear.
In this episode:
Why a request can feel like a demand, even with a policy in place
The same holiday request, answered then and now
Silent exceptions, and the middle ground I use instead
WhatsApp or email, and when I reply
How I word the hardest messages, from practice and exams to illness and ending lessons
Links mentioned:
Free Studio Policy Template: updated after the ISM's legal team reviewed my own agreement
Episode 1, I Had a Cancellation Policy. I Just Never Used It.
Episode 3, I Used to Refund Every Missed Lesson. Here's Why I Stopped.
Episode 5, How to Raise Your Fees and Secure Your Studio for September Without the Guilt
Episode 16, You're Allowed to Stop Teaching a Student
Episode 17, I Sent My Studio Policy to Be Checked. Here's What Came Back.
Monthly Billing Transition Toolkit (£12)
Do you have a colleague who struggles with these difficult student/ parent messages? Please share this episode with them. And if you've enjoyed it, a rating or review helps other teachers find the show.
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Part 1: It was a question. It felt like a demand.
The email that used to take over my evening
Just before the start of term, an email landed from one of my families. They'd still be away for the first week back, so could their two girls swap lessons with other students, or have different lesson times when they got home? It was a perfectly polite email. And a few years ago, it would have taken over my whole evening.
I'd have read it, felt my stomach drop, and then spent hours working out how to say no without sounding unkind. Or I wouldn't have said no at all. This time, I wrote back in four sentences, pressed send, and got on with my day.
Being at the point I am now, it's so much easier to reply to these kinds of email requests from student families. But it doesn't just happen overnight. It takes practice. What used to happen is I would receive a message like this and I'd feel it in the pit of my stomach. I'd fear the reply, there would be so much dread, I would delay replying, I'd be over-explaining, or I'd end up giving in.
I'm going to go into more detail on this later, but nothing changed about the parent email requests. I did. And that's what this episode is all about.
Welcome to the show
Welcome to The Victoria Clark Show for Music Teachers. I'm Victoria. I started teaching piano part-time nearly 20 years ago, alongside a career in pharmaceutical market research, and I made pretty much every mistake there is when it comes to running a teaching business. Today I run a full studio from my home on the south coast of England, with a waiting list, students I love, and a teaching week that fits around my family.
If you've ever felt your heart sink when your phone buzzed with another last-minute cancellation, put off raising your fees for another year, or heard yourself say, "Oh, I just do a bit of teaching," when someone asked what you do, this is the podcast for you. I've been where you are. Let's build you a studio that lets you be the teacher you want to be and live the life you deserve.
Today's episode is about parent communication. Some of it will apply to adult students, but for the most part, at least speaking from my own experience, most of what I'm going to talk about today refers to communication with student parents. We're going to go into the messages that you dread replying to, the ones you dread sending, and how to make them kind and clear without compromising your boundaries.
Things that we'll cover include why a question can feel like a demand; a then and now reply, based on my own journey over time; the silent exceptions that we make; channels of communication and timing; tone, which is quite an important one; the hardest messages to send; when a message doesn't land the way you intended; and good news messages.
It was a question. It felt like a demand.
I'll give you some context to the period of time that I'm talking about, because really early on, when I first started teaching, I did not support my studio policies. In fact, I didn't even hand them out. I offered refunds and reschedules even without being asked. So I'm not talking about that period of time. I'm thinking back to later on, when I had my studio policies in place, which say that lessons are not rescheduled or refunded.
And then I'd get these requests that made my stomach drop, messages that simply said, "Can we reschedule for later in the week?" "My son's away on a school residential, can we move the lesson?" "Can we carry it over to next term?" "Could you just take it off the next bill?" That was back when I was billing termly. All these sorts of questions had the power to derail my entire afternoon and put me in a state of anxiety about how to respond to these boundary-pushing requests without undermining my entire studio policy and feeling terrible about it.
All of these messages came through as questions, never demands. They were asked in completely reasonable ways. But I am a recovering people pleaser, as it turns out many of my colleagues are. So if you are a recovering people pleaser, or a full-blown people pleaser, you're in similar company. Even though it was a question, it still felt like a demand that I couldn't say no to, even though I had a policy in place.
Because the way my logical mind works is, you have some rules and you follow them. All of these student families are aware of the rules, aware of my studio policies. So when someone asked for something that went against the studio policies, my brain just didn't know how to deal with it, because it didn't compute. Personally, if I understand a rule, I won't go and ask for favours, I won't go and ask to override that rule. It's just not who I am.
So this is one of the skills that you develop in being a music teacher, because you need to deal with all sorts of different types of people, not just in your teaching, but in your business role as a music teacher.
The delay, the over-explaining and the caving
What would always happen is I'd read whatever message was requesting to override any policy I had. Generally it was rescheduling. I'd read it and I would never reply straight away, because I would spend so much time trying to work out how to justify my answer, feeling so guilty, but not wanting to just give in and do what I'd always done and say, "OK, sure, fine, no problem."
I'd never spend more than a few hours, so if I received a message in the evening, I felt quite strongly that it needed a same-day reply. But those hours were full of dread. When I look back and think about how I felt every single time one of these requests came through, it was exhausting, and it was such an unnecessary waste of worry and waste of energy. But that was me at the time, and I think I had to go through that experience, as I'm sure you have too, of feeling all these insecurities.
And the purpose of this particular episode is to help you understand how to get away from that, how to move past that, so that you can receive these kinds of messages, stay level and calm, respond with integrity, and continue with your day. No guilt, no shame, no anxiety. Doesn't it sound good? It's absolutely possible, and it takes practice, and you know how we feel about practice as music teachers.
So after I'd delayed for a sufficient length of time, I would put far too much explanation in my replies. The problem with that is you don't realise it at the time. You think, well, if I give lots of reasons for why this is my policy and why I can't just reschedule, it will make it really, really clear for the parent or the student. But what it does is come across as insecure and open up all sorts of areas for debate, whereas it's a line in the sand that you just need to reiterate. So it's a bit counterintuitive, but the more you explain, the less secure you sound.
And I'm not ashamed to admit that there were times when, at the last minute, I would just chicken out and say, "It's fine, just this once." Because the thought of confronting it head on felt so much more frightening, and more of an ordeal, than knowingly giving away my time for free. Even though inside I felt a little bit of resentment, really, towards myself for not being strong enough to stand behind my policies. And that's never a good place to be, when you don't respect yourself because of the decisions you've made, and the decisions you knew you wanted to make but couldn't bring yourself to make.
What changed
So the shift has come through me learning to value my time and believing in my policies, not apologising for them. And I know this is quite a hard one to get your head around, but also no longer being afraid of losing students. Because the ones who stay, the ones who accept your policies, they are your ideal students. And the ones who have a problem with them, they are not. So it's a good thing if they decide to leave.
That sounds like quite a black and white approach to things, but when you can compartmentalise this in your mind, that almost constant fear of "Oh no, I'm going to lose students, I'm going to lose this student because of X, Y or Z" goes away. And it's so freeing. It's a much more freeing way to think, because it means you're not making decisions out of fear. You're making them with a clarity of mind that means you're not going to sacrifice anything that you don't need to.
And when you're running your business, it needs to be stable and it needs to be sustainable, not a continuous run of exceptions and sacrifices in order to "keep your students". I say that in inverted commas, because your students don't stay with you because you let them reschedule lessons. They stay with you because of you: because of who you are, because of the relationship you have built with them, because of your skills as a teacher, because of how you make them feel when they are learning, and the enormous confidence boost that they get from learning something new, which is all down to you.
I promise you, the students that care, the students that you need to keep in your studio, they don't care about reschedules. It's one of those, "Yeah, OK, that's nice, that's more convenient." But really, if you draw the line in the sand, you're not going to lose those students.
I'll be honest, I still don't enjoy reminding people of my policies. But it does get easier the more you do it. And I'm so much more confident now about it than I ever was before, because I've worked out a system of responding that doesn't put my brain into overdrive and doesn't spike my anxiety. It's all because I have been able to make a shift over to: this is my business, this is the way it runs, welcome all you ideal students. And if you don't like it, then that's perfectly fine. I'm not the right teacher for you. And that's OK, because there are plenty of students to go around.
Your policy does the talking
Now, one thing I should just say as a starting point. The reply to these requests is so much easier when the policy is already written down and signed. You're pointing back to something that they've already agreed to, not inventing a rule on the spot. So if yours isn't written down yet, please go and use my free studio policy template as a starting point. It will be linked in the show notes. The ISM legal team reviewed my own studio policy, and I have translated those updates into the template. So go and use it as a starting point if you don't have a studio policy already, or if you do have one and it needs a bit of a refresh, go and have a look at that.
And while I'm thinking about it, if you would like to go into more depth on studio policies, the no reschedule, no refund policies that I operate, go back to Episode 1 and Episode 3, which are also linked in the show notes. They go through that in more detail, because this episode is really about the feelings around receiving these requests and how to reply, rather than enforcing policies and writing them out.
Then and now: two replies to the same email
Something I thought would be quite useful is to think back to the way I used to respond to reschedule requests, or requests of that nature, and compare it to the way I reply now. Because it's exactly the same request, but the replies are vastly different, and the effect is so much more powerful.
So going back to the request that I started this episode with: a parent requesting to swap their two daughters' lessons with other students during that week, because they wouldn't be back from travelling in time for the first week of term. Or alternatively, asking for different lesson times, rather than a swap with two other students.
My early reply would have been lots of apologising. I'd start it, for sure, with "I'm so sorry they'll miss the first lesson." Then I would be offering to message every family to ask if anyone would swap. And because it's two children, it would mean two lesson slots, so two other students, most likely two other families, all for just this one week of lessons. And if no one had been able to swap, I'd probably just have opened up a slot on a non-teaching afternoon, just to avoid the pushback.
If I had held my boundary, I'd have leaned really hard on "my studio is full", because it's the reason that parents find the easiest to accept. It's the most logical one. Then I would have piled on more and more reasons for why I couldn't make a swap or find another space. I would have given all the reasons that we talk about as music teachers amongst ourselves that none of our student families need to know about: exactly what our time is for, what the lesson fee covers, the fact that every lesson slot is a guaranteed time reserved for that student every single week, and, and, and. They don't need to know that. It doesn't make your case any stronger. In fact, as I said earlier, it makes your case weaker, because it sounds desperate and like you're grasping at straws.
"Couldn't you just squeeze it in?"
I should note that sometimes, even when I've said my studio is full and I can't reschedule, you still get a request: "Couldn't you just squeeze a lesson in here, or squeeze it in there?" Because let's be honest, that's how music teachers are quite often treated, as if our time isn't our own, and flexibility is an expectation.
Absolutely, we are flexible people. We adapt everything about our lesson plans to our students in the moment. We are guided by the body language and the cognitive response of our students. Very few of us, certainly not if you're listening to this podcast, just plough straight through with a lesson plan regardless of how it's being received. We are the epitome of flexibility. But that should not extend to our personal time, and it should not extend to the point that you end up giving away your time for free. That's not flexibility. That is, I can't think of a word for it. That expectation is inappropriate.
And you may have had this one: ideas that come from student families rather than from teachers, things like, "Could you just add the time on to a couple of other lessons to make up for the missed lesson?" It goes without saying, but this is an outright no. It's still giving your time away for free, even if it's just five minutes added on to the next six lessons. Even if that was possible, because if it's in the middle of a group of four lessons, that's impossible for me anyway, and I'm not going to shift all my other students five minutes later for six weeks. That's awkward and inconvenient on so many levels, not just for you, the teacher, but for all those other students that will be impacted. Anyway, an extra five minutes here or there is still giving your time away for free. So please don't fall into the trap of thinking, "Oh yeah, that feels like nothing." Because it's not nothing. It's your time.
The reply I sent
So here is the real reply to this original request. Given all the things we've talked about, this is the way I respond to this kind of request these days:
"Thank you for letting me know the girls won't be available for their lessons in the first week of term. I'm not able to schedule alternative lesson times as my studio is full, so these will be counted as missed lessons. Requests for swapping lessons with another student are only done for a permanent change, to avoid complicating the weekly schedule. I hope you all have a lovely time away, and I look forward to seeing you in September."
Part 2: Why the reply works, silent exceptions, channels and tone
Why that reply works
Now, the reason that works is because it's got several elements in it, and everything is clear. It thanks them for the information. It names what's happening. It gives one reason for why the lessons can't be rescheduled. It states the outcome plainly, and this is the most important bit: that these are counted as missed lessons. And that terminology, missed lessons, reflects my studio policies directly. Well, the other way around: "lessons missed" is how it's worded in my studio policy. But it makes it totally clear that these are missed lessons, which will be charged for and which will not be refunded.
It explains the one thing they might not know about, which is that swaps are for permanent changes. And that's quite an important part, because you could technically swap lessons around in any given week. But think about that as the parent on the receiving end. For any one of those student families, you have no idea what the rest of their weekly schedule is like: whether they have other children to look after, or other after-school clubs that may be happening on specific days at specific times. There are many families that have weekly schedules that run like a well-oiled machine.
And just like when requests come to us as music teachers and we feel obliged to say yes because we want to keep everybody happy, there are a lot of our student families, parents, who feel exactly the same way. So if you put a request out there to swap a lesson for one particular week, there are a lot of them that will feel obliged to say yes, because they don't want to be unhelpful. But you have no idea what kind of impact that could have on their week. They may well be a full-blown people pleaser, and we know full well the impact that can have on the rest of your daily life for that week. It can throw a real spanner in the works, and you'd probably hate the thought of having disrupted a parent's weekly schedule just because you were trying to accommodate a request. A very reasonable request, but a request from a parent that goes against your studio policies.
Your studio policies are there to protect you and your business, but by extension, the rest of your students as well, because everything has its place. Everyone has their time, their protected, guaranteed lesson slot every single week. And we need to protect that too, from those who want things moved around at the drop of a hat.
So, in this particular circumstance, what happened next? Nothing. I didn't get a reply, but I didn't get any pushback. And the girls appeared for their first lesson of term, which was in the second week of term, and it was fine.
Pushback doesn't mean you got it wrong
The reason this reply felt so easy to write is because it's how my policy works. And as I said earlier, I'm not afraid of losing students due to policy disagreements, because all that would mean is that these are no longer my ideal students. And if those things crop up, yes, it can be sad and it can be a shame. But someone pushing back against your boundaries is not a confirmation that you shouldn't have stood up for your boundaries. It's a clarification that this isn't the right fit, and that there are students out there waiting to find you and have lessons with you who are the right fit.
So please, please, please never see pushback as a sign you made a mistake by standing up for your policies. Because I see this all the time. I am so grateful to be contacted by teachers who have listened to this podcast or who have seen my posts on social media, and I've had some really wonderful conversations, and some teachers have really opened up to me about their experiences. I hear about these times when they've done absolutely the right thing by standing up for their policies in the kindest way possible. But not every student family is kind, unfortunately. It covers the whole population, so you get the outliers, you get the unexpected defence and pushback, and it's so easy for us to think, "Oh goodness, I've done the wrong thing. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have tried to support my policy, because it doesn't line up with what this parent or this student was thinking. I've done the wrong thing."
No, you haven't done the wrong thing. You had integrity, you still have integrity, and you've supported your business. All it does is bring to the surface any who don't fully support you and respect you as a teacher. And I know that sounds really harsh to say out loud, but that's what it is. That's what it comes down to, because this is your business, it's your livelihood. You shouldn't have to apologise for supporting your boundaries. They're there for a reason. And so the only conclusion, when you have someone who doesn't adhere to your boundaries, or actively pushes against them or defies them, is that this is someone who doesn't respect your boundaries, and by extension doesn't respect you as the teacher in this situation.
The exception nobody knew I'd made
OK, I'm sure we've all done this one: the silent exception. What is a silent exception? You bend the policy, but you don't tell the family it's an exception. You just say something like, "OK, we'll fit it in this week." This matters so much because the family has no idea that you've even been generous. There's no goodwill in it at all, and they have no reason to think the policy applies next time.
I have experienced this. I have a long-standing adult student I've taught since before I had my no reschedule policy, and she so rarely goes away in term time that I have made exceptions for her without calling them exceptions. It hasn't come back to bite me, because I've been teaching her for such a long time that it's not one of these situations where it's got out of control. But it feels uncomfortable on the odd occasion that it comes up, because I'm not treating every student the same way, and that is something I feel very strongly about. And once a pattern has started, it's so much harder to reinstate the policy.
So what I ended up doing was introducing a middle ground: if someone has cancelled in the same week, I will offer that slot instead. Adults who have daytime lessons often have more flexibility, and they've always said yes. So it works. This very simple shift changes it from "I can fit you in whenever", without it being an exception, to "I have specified teaching slots during the day and in the afternoon and evening, and if someone has cancelled and freed up that lesson slot for that one week, I can offer you the slot." So it reinstates your policy boundaries without having to do a full U-turn and feel really awkward after however many years of not supporting your policy.
Now, I'm going to say this very gingerly, with a big caveat. If you do decide to make an exception, always make it clear that it's an exception: "I don't usually do this, but this once." However, the caveat: please don't make the exception in the first place. Because all it does is blur the boundary and set a new expectation, regardless of whether you say it's an exception or not. Whether or not the student or parent hears that it's an exception, what's foremost in their mind is, "Oh, I asked for that and I got it. So I'm going to ask again the next time it happens." They might not consciously be thinking that, but that's how our brains work. A request was put out and they were rewarded. So they're going to ask again, because that's how humans work.
So I would strongly recommend that you don't make exceptions, except in the most extreme circumstances. And these are things that I have in my studio policies, things like the case of bereavement, because we're all human beings. But don't make exceptions for "Oh, they're away on a residential", or "Oh, it's their best friend's birthday party on the lesson day", or "They're unwell". That one's harder to swallow, but you can't account for all the kids that get sick. So if you can avoid it, please don't make exceptions unless they are in extreme circumstances.
Channels of communication
Communication with our student families and adult students: the routes are varied. Normally, I receive messages from my student families via WhatsApp or text for last-minute things, such as a student who's unwell or away, or if there's a general question. There's only one family I have that does everything by email, which is fine. I also use WhatsApp, Messenger and text when something needs to be seen promptly, because generally people will see those messages before they see their emails.
Official communications always go by email: all invoices, any notice to end lessons, policy changes. And this is a really important point, because this gives you a proper paper trail that you can save and refer back to. It's much easier to search emails than it is to search WhatsApp messages and Messenger and texts.
You get to know your families. Some people don't get on well with email. They receive it, but they're far more responsive on WhatsApp. So if an email payment reminder hasn't worked, the next nudge goes by WhatsApp, because I know they'll see it and respond to it more quickly. So you get to know your student families, and that's fine.
I did have one adult student once who said he gets something like 400 emails a day, so he doesn't check his emails, and the thought of that filled me with so much anxiety. Aside from the communication that needs to happen between us as teachers and our students, the thought of living with 400 emails appearing a day and never checking them. I was thinking, wow, how do you live your life? So everything had to go on WhatsApp. It was quite awkward, and there were lots of late payments, so he wasn't an ideal student. But it's one of those things: everybody's different. Some people really hate email, even though it's essential for the important documents. Still use the email, but you can follow up with a prompt by WhatsApp or text saying, "I've sent you an email, please go and have a look at it." There's nothing wrong with doing that.
When I reply
When you reply to messages sets your hours of work, effectively. Some people are really good at this, and some people completely stick to only responding in working hours. For us as music teachers, our working hours are different. They're weird, they're irregular, they often go into the evenings. Most of my teaching blocks end by about 7 or 7.15. I don't teach late, because it doesn't suit my family. But 7pm on a Monday is still my normal working time. So if I've been teaching my last block of lessons, I will check any messages afterwards and then reply straight away if I can, because this can be 7.15 or 7.30 on weekdays.
Anything that arrives after 9 o'clock waits until the next day at the earliest. Mainly because I really need to be in bed by 9, otherwise I don't get enough sleep, and then that can encourage the migraines. But that's to one side. I don't think anyone, whether they get migraines or not, or go to bed early or not, should be answering work requests after 9pm, because this is a work request.
One important thing is not to rush replies, unless it's simple in your head. When I'm teaching first thing in the morning after receiving a late-night request, I might reply in a break, but I won't reply if it means I have to rush the reply. If it requires a bit more thought, if it's a bit more complicated, I'll wait until I have a bigger gap. Because replying in a rush puts me in a stressed state. I think it would put anyone in a stressed state. And I work really hard to avoid that, because it impacts the rest of my day and my ability to teach. So I just wait for a bigger gap.
Anything significant, such as a complaint, someone giving notice, or anything that has triggered an anxiety spike, I never reply to straight away, because it won't be the reply that I really want to send. It won't be the rational reply. So my advice to myself, and to you if you would like it, is to always sleep on it. On those big requests, those big communications where the answer is not clear-cut, sleep on it and then reply the next day, because your brain does wonderful things while you sleep. It works out all sorts of problems, even if you don't realise it's doing it, and the next day things are much clearer. It will stop you ever regretting sending a reply if you just wait till the next day.
Tone: warm and clear
The tone that we use when we send messages, whether it's a message or an email, is really important. I'm sure you have experienced this before, even outside the context of teaching: you've sent a message or an email and it has been misunderstood or misconstrued by the recipient. That is just a function of the written word, which doesn't come across with all the intonation that speech provides. So the tone in which you write messages is really important.
For me, when I send anything via WhatsApp or text, I tend to use language like, "Hi, I'm just following up on an unpaid invoice from blah blah blah. If you could pay it when you get a chance, that would be great." Because I don't want to sound too demanding or overbearing or too strict in a quick message, and it gets the point across using my natural language and tone. It says, "I don't enjoy asking you to pay your invoice, but I need to, so here it is." That's all that message conveys. And for the recipient, that's exactly what it is: "Oh, here's a polite reminder that I haven't paid my invoice, so if I could do it, that would be great." And that works really well for me and for my students.
You'll have a tone and words that you're comfortable using, that you will have developed over time. But I'm happy for you to borrow mine if they feel comfortable for you. It's just got to feel natural for you.
Emails are a little bit more formal and a little bit firmer, because that's what people expect from an email, especially when I'm emailing about invoices or notice periods or studio policies.
Soften the delivery, not the outcome
So when you're deciding on the specific wording of a message or an email, you can soften the delivery, but you shouldn't soften the outcome. So "that would be great" is fine. "Would it be OK if... only if it suits you" on something that's already in the policy? That's not fine. That's asking permission and kind of apologising for something that is the rule for your studio. And all that does is hand over to the parent, or the student family, or the adult student, the decision-making role for your studio. I know that's not what you want to do, but in that language, that's all it takes to do that. "Is it OK if..." You don't need to ask permission. It's your business.
And I know this is something that lots of teachers struggle with, because we don't want to seem overbearing, we don't want to seem demanding or strict or any of these words that just don't equate with "We love music and we want to teach music and help everyone to discover the joy of music." It's this business side of things that most people find so uncomfortable. But there is a middle ground. You don't have to be overbearing, you don't have to be really strict and really grumpy about everything, because that's not you, that's not natural. You can be kind and be clear. They're not opposites.
So in my response to the recent request about being away on holiday, my reply was warm. But the statement "these will be counted as missed lessons" is a statement. It's not a request, it's not an apology, and it means it's not up for discussion. That's what we need when we are communicating things about our studio policy. It's the line in the sand, and that's what it says. And like I said before, one reason is enough. The more reasons you give, the more it sounds like a debate, and the more it would invite certain people to start picking apart your reasons, and that's the last thing that you want.
Don't apologise for your policy
Please don't apologise for your policy. You can apologise for your own mistakes. I do that; I make mistakes, we all do. But do not apologise for how your studio runs. It's so tempting to say, "Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't refund you." And I have done that in the past, I will admit that. I'm moving further and further away from that language, because it's not something to be sorry for. It's your studio policy, and it's the reason that your business stays running.
You don't have to apologise for it, because when you apologise for it, you push it apart from yourself, to say, "Well, I'm just abiding by this set of rules that's really nothing to do with me." And that leaves you open to certain individuals who would take advantage of that and say, "Well, that's why just this once, it doesn't really matter." You don't want to fall into that trap. Hold your policy close to you. It is protecting your business. It's allowing you to be the best teacher that you can be, by protecting your time and protecting your income and your state of mind. So I don't think we should view our policies as some annoying thing hanging over our shoulder that we have to agree to. It's our policy. It's a good thing.
And always end warmly. A kind line about the student or the family keeps the relationship intact, even when the message is no. It doesn't hurt anyone to put something nice in the message.
Don't quote your policy like a robot
Something I would point out here is where I've seen it in the big teacher groups. I don't think I'll ever have an episode where I don't mention the big Facebook teacher groups. But it's something that I see, and it comes from a level of discomfort. Your studio policy wording is not how you speak to your students or their families. Absolutely not, because you speak to them like humans, and your studio policy is a list of unambiguous clauses. It's not written in official legal language, but it's more like legal language than the way we would speak to each other.
But what I see, when people are supporting their studio policies, is that they go too far the other way. They quote their studio policy like a robot reading out a last will and testament. And all that does is put a big barrier between you and your student families. It's like stomping your foot and putting a wall up and saying, "Nope, my studio policy says this." And I can see why it happens, because people are uncomfortable with supporting their policies. But when you use the exact wording without any kind of caveat around it, it can come across as exactly what you don't want: too strict, too harsh, too businesslike.
The wording is unambiguous for a studio policy, but you can translate it into real language that is easy to understand and still make it clear. Like, "These will be counted as missed lessons." I'm not saying something like, "As per my studio policy clause 7, lessons missed by a student must be blah blah blah blah blah." Because it's just going to alienate your students and your families. I'm sure you don't do that, but if you see it in these teacher groups, see it for what it is, which is how not to respond.
Part 3: The messages that are hardest to send
The messages that are hardest to send
Thinking about messages that we send to our students and families, there are some really difficult messages. I'm not talking now about replies to requests. This is things like needing to send an email about the fact that practice isn't happening. For these, I'm really thinking about child students, not adult students.
This one isn't the hardest one to write, but it lands as criticism of the parent, because they're the ones responsible for encouraging practice. Think about it: there's a parent, they've got one child, maybe two, maybe three. Daily life is busy, with all the clubs and school and activities, and remembering which day is non-uniform day, and to bring in a pound, and a donation for Harvest Festival, and all the other things that parents have to think about. And then there's the requirement to have an active role in their child's piano practice, which should be happening every day, even if it's just 10 minutes. It is a lot to fit in, and it's very difficult for some families. So most of them will likely already be feeling guilty, or like they're not living up to their own expectations for supporting their child with their musical learning journey.
So sending these emails, it can be hard to get the tone right, because you don't want them to feel worse about themselves. However, if you frame it around the child's progress and the value of what they're investing in lessons, this helps give the perspective of "You will get more for your money if you are able to do X, Y and Z", encouraging the practice, with all the different ways that parents can encourage practice. So framing your emails like this can go a long way to, one, not making the parent feel worse than they already do, and two, showing that you really care about whether their child makes progress at their instrument or not. Of course you do, but it shows that you do care. You're not just taking their money and running. You care about what's going on, you care about their progress.
Readiness for exams
Sending an email regarding readiness for exams can be a bit difficult. We've all had the requests: "When are they going to sit their Grade 1?" And it's a lot longer of a journey than most people realise. I am going to do an episode on exams, because every time it comes up, I think there's this huge discussion that needs to be had, probably more than one.
But recently I had to tell a family that their son wasn't ready for the next exam because of his sight reading ability. And this is an area where I did recognise I had missed this part. He has a brilliant ear, he memorises anything he hears, so the reading gaps were quite hidden. He was learning so many pieces so quickly that I thought, "Oh great, he understands the reading." It's so easy for this to slip through the cracks, but I wasn't reinforcing the sight reading as much as I should have. So that was learning for me, but it's an area that can quite easily pass you by.
The message I sent worked because I came up with a plan. I identified the thing that was missing: the focus needed to be on the sight reading, filling in the gaps, and we would aim for the next exam in the spring term instead of the autumn term. And what's really lovely is that this particular family is so involved in their children's progress. They provide so much support, it's wonderful, and they are very easy to communicate with, and they respect me as the teacher. So this kind of message, when you have the right level of communication, because it's reciprocal, works really well.
Asking a parent not to bring an unwell child
One message that I have found very difficult to write, and thankfully I haven't had to write it very often, is an email asking a parent not to bring their unwell child to lessons. Now, I talked about this in my last episode: it's going into my studio policy, because the wording wasn't there. But I would send a termly update email and always request that students who are unwell should not attend their lessons. Telling a parent that their child can't come to a lesson that they've paid for, with no refund, is really hard for nearly every teacher. But it's important, because it's part of your policies. You can't accommodate 30 students' illnesses, or you wouldn't have a business.
This is an email that I had to send a few years back. I'm not reading it out word for word, but this is roughly what it involved. The student came in for his lesson, he didn't speak, he lay down on the sofa with his eyes shut, and I almost sent him back out. I thought, he's far, far too unwell to be here for his lesson.
In the email, I reminded the family that in every termly email I put a point about students who are unwell not coming for their lesson. I offered the alternatives: that an online lesson is always possible if they're well enough, or a video lesson if there's sufficient notice. I mentioned in the email why it matters: the knock-on effect on me and every other student, and the cancellations that follow if I get sick. I stated the clear consequence: that if he arrives as unwell as he was at this particular lesson, I will need to send him home.
And then I ended with some good news. I said that once he perked up, he did really well with some sight reading cards and two new pieces. Because there's no problem with pointing out something positive after you've delivered an email that is basically telling them off for sidestepping one of your policies, or for deliberately ignoring it. That's what it felt like: just ignoring a request to not bring unwell students to their lessons. And then the last thing in the email was asking for a reply to confirm they'd received it.
And that positive part in the email is not softening the message at all. It's showing that you're on the child's side, that there is a human in you. You're not just saying, "No, you can't come, you're too sick, I don't care about your lessons." It's "I do care about your lessons, but I also care about all my other students' lessons, and my own ability to stay well to teach those lessons."
Ending lessons
And I think the most nerve-wracking message to send is when you're choosing to end lessons with a student. This is quite a rare message, of course, because we don't just fire students left, right and centre. This is done after careful consideration, and when you know the relationship just will not work.
So this particular family brought him to a lesson following that with tonsillitis, and I maintained what I had said I would do, and I took him back out to the parent, who was sat in their car. And that was terrifying. My heart was thumping the whole time, but I thought, I need to have the integrity that I know I have. I need to demonstrate that I am serious about my policies. I don't want sick people to come into my house. It's my home. They do come straight into the teaching room, but even so. It was kind of the final straw, really, for a situation that had been going on for a long time, where these studio policies were just being ignored. So it was difficult and it was uncomfortable, but I had to stand up for myself. So I did. And despite all the anxiety peaks and a thumping heart, I don't regret doing what I did, because I did it professionally.
Unfortunately, there was no acknowledgement of having ignored this particular policy. There was just defence: that they'd been told he could go to school, he wasn't contagious. But my policies don't state that I'm going to decide whether or not someone's contagious. So it's not about whether or not they're contagious. It doesn't change the policy.
The way I worded it in this email was, "As you're not accepting of my studio policies, I've come to the decision that I'm not the right teacher for your family." And that was the clearest and kindest way I could write it. Because it was difficult, because ending lessons with anyone is hard, really, really hard. But it had come to the point where I had to make a decision, and that's the decision I made.
The email gave the last lesson date, which was given the notice period, and it showed the final bill worked out line by line, so there was nothing to argue about. My Monthly Billing Transition Toolkit has the calculator tool that I use for this now. That will be linked in the show notes if you need it.
When they replied to my email defending their position, I didn't re-argue it, because there's no point going back and forth. I acknowledged what they'd said: "I appreciate you were following medical advice." I restated that the policy applies to every student, and I offered to recommend other teachers.
One point I would like to make is that you don't have to win the argument. When you get into this kind of situation, there is no winning, and it's not something that you should seek, even though there may be a part of you that thinks, "Well, I'm right, I know I'm right, I need them to understand that I'm right." Because you won't get that with everybody, and you'll remain frustrated, and it could damage the relationship more than it should. You just have to be clear and consistent, stay on your side and be professional.
By contrast, the most recent time that I had to end lessons with a student, it was the easiest I've ever found it, because it wasn't my first, and I kept it completely professional and there was no reasoning given. But if the ending of lessons would come out of the blue, the family does deserve a simple explanation. So don't take the "don't over-explain" advice too far. They need to understand the main reason why lessons are ending. If you want to understand more about that, Episode 16 covers ending lessons in full. That will also be linked in the show notes.
Fee increases
Sending emails about fee increases was really hard the first time, but because it's done on an annual basis, it's not a problem at all anymore. I've got a template, I fill it in, I update it, parents know to expect it around June, and it comes into effect from the following September.
The reason it's difficult the first time is that your brain tells you all your students are going to leave because you've increased your rates. Spoiler alert: this doesn't happen. Because, like I said earlier, your students aren't with you because you keep your rates fixed and don't change them year on year. They're with you because of you. It's nothing to do with how inexpensive you might be. Episode 5 is a really good one for this if you would like to go into it in more detail, and that will also be in the show notes.
A change families need time to prepare for
When you are making a change to your policies that families and students need time to prepare for, that can be a tricky one, and that's something that I'm doing at the moment. From September next year, my policy will say that the student has a suitable piano at home on which to practise: that is, a digital or acoustic piano with 88 fully weighted keys, a sustain pedal and a stand.
So I'm telling my student families now, so they have as much notice as possible. There's only a handful of them that will be affected by this policy change, but giving them as much notice as possible gives them more time to make preparations for that change. It's not a huge leap, but the more notice you can give for a change like this, the better.
The explanation for this change comes from what I've seen over the years. Students without a proper instrument make slower progress, and they are more often the ones that stop. Because anything less than a digital piano just doesn't give them enough feedback or satisfaction while they're playing. And without 88 keys, their keyboard geography suffers, so they start pieces in the wrong octave at their lesson and at performances. It's a simple change that helps in an enormous way.
I will be addressing the main worry about this change before it's raised: the fact that a good digital piano starts at around £500. But the compact models, like the ones I rent out to my students, don't take up much more space than a keyboard anyway. And you can always buy secondhand, and they hold their value. And a good acoustic is always better than a digital, unless it's 100 years old and has missing parts, in which case having a digital piano is probably better.
Policy updates
The other type of email that we send to parents and students is for policy updates. My illness and practice clauses are going to go into next June's summary email. This is how I already work, and now it's written down. I'm not expecting much pushback. It's just putting those unwritten policies into writing.
Part 4: When a message doesn't land, good news and the objections
When a message doesn't land
You are likely to experience a message that you send that is not well received. This is just part of life, and it's part of the fact that people are human beings, and some people are more sensitive to criticism, or to being told that they've done something wrong. Some are much more sensitive than others, and that's just part of life. It doesn't mean that you made a mistake in sending the message, but it's something to be aware of and to be prepared for.
Parking near me is strictly limited. I live on a private estate, and as I run a business, I can't risk breaking the rules. So I keep my driveway free for all my piano families. One family parks there during the lesson and leaves at the end, so the next can park. And for the back-to-back lessons, often the child will come in at the end of the previous student's lesson, so they can start straight away, and the parents do the swap over of the cars, which works out really well.
A few years ago, one parent stayed on the driveway for about ten minutes after the lesson to make a phone call. The next student came in, but their parent couldn't park and was left waiting outside, which was not ideal. So I had to send an email that evening, once I'd finished teaching, saying that the driveway needs to be free for the next student. She was quite upset and defensive, saying it was an important call, it was only a few minutes. Even though she probably did understand that it's a one in, one out kind of situation, especially if the visitor spaces are all full, which on many estates they are, including mine.
So even though the response was not acknowledgement or apology, that's fine. I replied to acknowledge that she needed to take a call, but I restated what was needed, because everyone who comes to me for lessons understands the parking situation, and it's one of those things that I include in all of my termly emails. So that no one is caught out, so that no one parks somewhere and then gets told off by a neighbour. That would be awful.
And so in this response, I just said, this is the way it works, this is what is needed, and gave her some options: there are visitor spaces when they're free, or you're perfectly welcome to pull off somewhere nearby and take the call there. So I didn't reword it and I didn't back down, because this is how everybody has to operate when they come to me for lessons. It was a bit uncomfortable, and there will always be some people who take a fair message personally. But the fact that it's not gone down well doesn't mean that it was wrong to send it.
Boundary pushes
OK, boundary pushes. Pushback is very rare now in my studio, which I'm grateful for. But when it does happen, it's usually the same few people. There was one parent, whose child I don't teach anymore, who used to ask to reschedule nearly every time her son missed a lesson, regardless of the reason he was away. Whether he was on a residential, whether he was unwell, whether something else had come up. Despite knowing my policy, she would always ask. And she wasn't asking because she didn't know the rules. She was asking on the off chance that I would make an exception.
And it felt so uncomfortable, because I would never do that. And that's how we operate in the world, isn't it? We look at how we behave, and how we abide by rules or not, and compare ourselves. You think everybody thinks like you, until you realise the world is full of different people. So once you accept that, you realise, OK, this makes me uncomfortable because I could never do that. But all I need to do is reiterate the same thing I've said every time: I do not reschedule lessons.
It does get easier, but it's OK if it feels uncomfortable. It's just because it's testing a boundary, and it's testing a skill that you are developing, which is standing up for your studio, standing up for your own time, as opposed to always giving it away without a second thought.
The policy you never thought you'd need
Sometimes there are policies that you never thought you'd need. I had another family where, if their son couldn't come for his lesson, they would just ask if they could send his older sister in his slot instead. I didn't teach her; she wasn't one of my students. I taught him. Whatever reason he was away, they would just say, "Oh, can we send so-and-so?" And the people pleaser went, "Yeah, OK, fine. Yeah, that's fine."
I had never really written it down, because it didn't seem to be a policy that needed to be stated, because no one had ever done it before, or since. Only requests for students I already teach, as in when I teach both siblings from a family, have come in, and they're fine, because they are my students and there are things that we can work on.
So that was quite an uncomfortable message to send, to say, "This is not how I run my studio. If he can't make his lesson, it's a missed lesson." This is something I had to pull back on, because I had said yes two or three times. I just agreed in the moment, when I should have said, "Nope, that's not my policy." Well, it's not in my policy, but it's not how I run my studio. So just be aware that some things might pop up out of nowhere, things that you've never really had to think about, and decide whether it's something that you would like to do as part of your studio.
Now, I did put this question to the big teacher groups at the time, and I was really surprised. I thought everyone would say, "No, you shouldn't have to teach the sibling, no, you shouldn't feel obliged to say yes." Most people said, "Of course you should teach the sibling, you might get another student." And there I am thinking, yeah, but I'm full, I've got a waiting list, and this is just random, off-the-cuff lessons with someone I don't know, that I've had no time to prepare any kind of lesson plan for. Doing something spontaneous is fine, but it takes quite a lot of energy and thought, and there's a risk, because if you don't know the student very well, you don't know how they're going to respond to all of these spontaneous things that you've come up with. So it was a level of uncertainty, I suppose, that I didn't want to have in my studio.
So if you come across something like that and it feels uncomfortable, don't push that feeling down. Think about it afterwards and decide what you would like to do. Can you accommodate that change? Is it something you want to do as part of your studio, or is it too uncomfortable? If it's uncomfortable, make a decision and write it down, so that you know what to say next time somebody asks.
Putting a boundary back in place feels uncomfortable for everyone. That's why it's easier to hold your boundary from the start. If you check the show notes, there'll be a link to Episode 17, where I talk a bit more about boundaries you're not used to defending that can catch you out.
Don't only send the hard ones
Here is something that I know I need to work on, and so it's really important to include in this episode. Don't just send the difficult messages. Send good news messages. I know that I should send more good news. If the only messages a family gets from you are reminders and problems, that doesn't really cultivate a very good relationship either.
The times when I've sent good news messages, it's usually by WhatsApp after the lesson, and often I'll attach a video clip of the child playing their piece, or playing a duet with me, and a line about how well their practice is going. I don't do it as often as I should, because I think it's really lovely for the parent to see just what their child is doing. They only see one side of the practice at home, and seeing what their child has been able to accomplish in lessons, caught on video, is lovely, because often at home the child might say, "No, don't video me," because they're feeling insecure about their practice or how much progress they've made. So it's a nice surprise for the parent.
Of course, you need to have gained permission from the parent first before you make any videos or take pictures of their child. That is something that I have on a Google Form template. So just make sure you have that permission first. But parents are always really positive and grateful for these messages. It does a lot for the student, family and teacher relationship. And it means that when you do need to send a harder message later on, it lands on firmer ground. You have an established relationship. It's not just complaining and negative things.
In my student piano planners, I write guidance under each piece and bit of technique for the student to read and follow when they practise. There's also a "reflections for the week" box. Not very many of them fill it in, so sometimes I use that for a message to the parents, or something for the student to think about. Before we stopped for half term, it was, "Have a think about which Christmas piece you'd like to learn after half term." But of course, it only works if the student opens the planner and the parent looks at the messages written in the planner. But you can use this as a route of communication to send positive messages. And I would encourage, even if you're using notebooks or anything like that, I would encourage parents to open the notebook or open the planner and read what the student needs to practise, because students forget to open them. But also it is a form of communication with the parents, so it's a valuable thing to remind them of.
Something that I would like to set up next for me personally in my studio is short termly updates for parents of young students: summarising what's going well, what needs more support, how practice has been going, progress, and any next goals, because we set termly goals as part of the planner. And my favourite thing, my favourite addition this year, is the practice stars page. There are some students who are getting very close to completing their stars, which is very exciting.
The objections
Now we're going to go through some of the objections that we as teachers experience, which stop us from replying clearly to requests and to messages. And if it makes you feel any better, I have felt every single one of these.
OK, here's the first one: "I don't want to seem unfriendly." Friendly and professional are not opposites. Be as warm as feels right in how you say it, and keep the business side the same for everyone. The warmth is in your tone; the policy is in the outcome.
"If I say no, they'll leave." This is quite a simple fear that we all have. But the families who stay when you hold a fair policy are your ideal families, your ideal students. The holiday family example at the start of this episode didn't reply, and nobody has left over my fee increases. Most people simply accept a clear answer.
Number three: "It's not their fault their child is ill. Refunding feels like the kindest thing to do." Think about it like this. It isn't your fault when you're ill either, and nobody pays you for those lessons. You cannot absorb 30 students', 20 students' coughs and colds and still have a business. Children miss school and paid-for clubs when they're ill, and those don't give refunds. So don't feel like you need to be the exception to the rule.
Number four: "I'll just make an exception this once." You've heard me talk about exceptions before. Don't make them. Don't make the exception. It will just become the expectation from that point onwards. And even worse, a silent exception just teaches the family that the policy is negotiable, and they didn't even know you were trying to be generous. Just don't make the exception. It's not worth it. You'll cause yourself more uncomfortable situations further on up the road.
Number five: "If I explain it properly, they'll understand." No. A long explanation invites a debate. One reason, a clear outcome and a kind close is enough. Your policy is already written down; your reply just has to point to it.
Number six: "It'll sound too businesslike, or greedy." Well, you are running a business. This is not a hobby. Charging for time you've reserved for a student is not greedy. Giving it away is what makes the business unstable. And you might not realise quite how unstable the business is, because you're used to giving it away. But I guarantee you, if you add up every time you've rescheduled a lesson or knocked it off the next bill, there's an awful lot of income that should be in your account that isn't. You can be kind and keep a professional boundary at the same time.
Number seven: "I'll mention it at the door instead." A word at the door is lovely for good news. For things like notice, invoices and studio policies, emails give you both a record. It's easier for everyone when it's written down.
Pulling it all together
So, pulling this episode all together at the end. A request is a question, even when it feels like a demand. Please don't feel obligated to say yes to everything. Reply when you're calm, not rushed. One reason, a clear outcome and a kind close is all you need. Say the exceptions out loud, or ideally, don't make exceptions at all. And keep the official things on email. It's good practice to have a paper trail, so that if you need to go back in time and think, "What did I say?", you have it written down. You don't have to remember what was said in person. And don't forget to send good news as well as the hard messages.
So one thing I would like you to try this week is to think of the message you dread receiving the most. It might be something like, "Can we reschedule?" Write your short, kind reply now, when no one's waiting for it, and save it so that it's ready for the next time you need to respond. You are more than welcome to use mine that I read out earlier in the episode, but make sure that the language fits the way you would speak, so that it feels natural. And avoid apologising and handing over the decision-making role to the parent or the student.
My free studio policy template has recently been updated based on feedback I received from the ISM legal team, so feel free to make use of that. The policy does the explaining, and it means your reply doesn't have to. Then there's my Monthly Billing Transition Toolkit, which is linked in the show notes. This one has an email template for giving notice and for upcoming fee changes, and it has the calculator tool so you can work out the final bill.
I do offer one-to-one sessions. If there is a particular message you'd like to talk through before you send it, or if you are the teacher who makes exceptions and you don't know how to pull it all back together behind your boundaries, you can book a call with me. We can talk through that and give you a plan for moving from where you are now to where you want to be, so that things are comfortable and you can support your policies without feeling guilty.
So just remember: the requests aren't going to change, but you will change. Every time you send a clear, kind reply, the next one gets easier. I promise. That feeling of discomfort will get less and less, and you'll look back and think, "What was the big fuss about?" And I say that having gone through the journey myself, feeling that intense discomfort: going from someone who just didn't support my policies at all, to starting to want to support them and just not feeling brave enough, to the teacher I am today, who is very comfortable drawing the line in the sand. And the result is that in my teaching studio, the relationships have never been better with my students and their families. The students are making better progress than they ever have, and I am the most fulfilled I've ever been as a music teacher. All of these things come together to improve everything about your role as a music teacher. So it's worth going through that discomfort to get to the other side.
Thank you very much for listening to this episode. I hope it has given you some useful strategies for dealing with something that is very common for us as music teachers, but that does not come naturally to many of us. And as always, if you found value in this and you know a music teacher friend who you think would benefit from it, please do share this episode with them, and thank you for supporting the show. See you in the next one!
